Urban Rum

Growing Up

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 21:19:15 -0700

I was just on my ex’s facebook for maybe the 2nd time since we broke up a year and a half ago. He’s doing really well. He has great friends, a great job, and a beautiful apartment in his favorite city. I’ve no doubt there’s probably a girl in the picture too, but he’s not the type to publicize a relationship (something I’m grateful for). He taught me a lot, even after we ended. One thing was how to be happy for other people, even if I’m not a part of it.

I get that now.

It genuinely makes me smile.

Lies I Tell Myself (and/or My Friends)

Wed, 30 May 2012 11:56:00 -0700

I’m going to go to the gym every day this week.

It totally doesn’t matter if he didn’t call. I was too busy not checking my phone obsessively every 5 minutes and not test texting myself to make sure I still had signal.

If I buy this overpriced, ill-fitting dress, I’ll be more motivated to work out.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up early.

Tomorrow, I’ll be at work on time.

This is the last drink of the night.

That’s definitely going to be the next book I read.

If I sleep instead of study, I’ll be in better shape to study early in the morning.

The diet starts after this brownie.

After just another bite.

It wasn’t even that big of a piece really.

He wasn’t that cute anyway.

No he’s really cute - it was just a bad picture!

When you think you’re friends in real life but aren’t....

Tue, 29 May 2012 11:52:00 -0700

When you think you’re friends in real life but aren’t. Apparently I don’t censor myself online either.

Check out Wes’ blog here: http://sincerelyweslee.tumblr.com/

Awesomeness guaranteed.

Consequences of Lacking a Mental Filter

Mon, 28 May 2012 12:00:00 -0700

On the aforementioned project, I missed a chance to meet a hot client and later saw him at happy hour.

Now, I can’t talk to ridiculously good looking people, especially when they look like a cross between Hugh Jackman and Daniel Henney. They make me forget what words are. With my impulsive and chatty nature, conversations tend to turn out like this:

Me: Hi I’m K. Don’t you work in [that] dept?

Him: Yeah, I don’t think we’ve met yet. My name’s Alan. Where do you work?

Me: So you’re Alan! I’ve heard so much about you. I’m on the team that’s working with yours right now. I was just on your floor today.

Him: Yup, pretty sure we’re on your shitlist now.

Me: Haha no big. It’ll be nice working together. Our meeting was rescheduled to next week cause you’re going to be out, golfing with your stepdad, right?

Him: How’d you know?

Me: Your team told me that. Oh you were just promoted to senior manager. Congrats!

Him: Yeah…

Me: Your name’s on my list and it still said manager. I mean it’s not my list. It’s a database I was looking at, because my cause needed to pull another consultant.

Him: That’s right, I did get a request about that…

Me: How fluent are you in these languages? We needed someone with that skill.

Him: Pretty fluent…

Me: I swear I’m not stalking you.

Another Successful Work Week

Sun, 27 May 2012 11:56:50 -0700

For the past few weeks, I’ve been on this awesome new project. Some of my accomplishments so far:

Delayed a client meeting because a coworker and I were buying coachella tickets. But who the fuck cares cause we have Coachella tickets!
Copied a personal email, containing terms like “sexual revolution” into a deck I was working on. Saved the deck into the shared drive for my director. So he could send to the VP. And the company execs.
Arrived late almost everyday because for various reasons. Like oversleeping. And getting lost.
Forgot my laptop at my apt while at a different office. Went to home office to borrow one so I wouldn’t have to drive all the way back. Brought it to other office. Loaner didn’t work. Ended up going home to get my laptop anyway. This took 3.5 hours.
Read an mail during a meeting that reminded me of my ex. Started sniffling. Eventually excused myself to go to the bathroom and cry.
Completely zoned out during another meeting and didn’t take notes. Had to email the person back asking to “confirm” everything they just told me.

Just my way of letting my boss know that I’m due for a raise.

Details of My Incompetence

Sun, 27 May 2012 04:49:00 -0700

It’s about 4:45AM. I left the office a short while ago, where I’ve already spent 24 hours of Memorial Day “weekend.” With more to come.

All I really wanted to do when I got home was have a nice glass of wine.

Apparently this shit is childproof. HOW DO I OPEN IT?!

If the second sleeping pill doesn’t kick in soon, I’m taking a Tylenol PM and calling it a night.

Give me fire. Give me danger. Give me hope. Give me desire.

Sat, 26 May 2012 12:00:00 -0700

Give me fire.

Give me danger.

Give me hope.

Give me desire.

How to tell who your real friends are

Fri, 25 May 2012 12:55:00 -0700

K: Hey what's my middle name?
APlace4Negativity: Are you getting hacked?
K: LOL no pop quiz. you have 5 seconds. go!
APlace4Negativity: I don't know if someone is using your phone to figure out the security answer to your bank
APlace4Negativity: Are you comparing me to somebody else?
APlace4Negativity: [name]
K: LOL <3. I will give you something special when I see you
K: I was just thinking that people don't know my middle name
APlace4Negativity: Lol is this something you decided out of the blue and something you need to proclaim?
APlace4Negativity: PSA: [name] is my middle name guys
K: LMAO no someone just contacted me out of the blue knowing what it was
K: so I texted you and all our closest friends to see if you guys knew

Late Nights

Wed, 23 May 2012 22:22:00 -0700

The cleaning lady and I are both still at work right now.

She’s playing music on her iphone 4S.

I’m using my two year old blackberry.

They are not paying me enough for this.

So this just hit the internet and it is fucking amazing....

Tue, 22 May 2012 23:41:00 -0700

So this just hit the internet and it is fucking amazing. It’s so wonderfully overstylized and the music adds such freshness to this retelling.

Gird your loins.

Public Service Announcement for LA drivers After the shame of...

Mon, 21 May 2012 22:28:00 -0700

Public Service Announcement for LA drivers

After the shame of leaving an apology note for blocking someone in, I thought I should warn you all of my parking habits. I’m sorry in advance.

-K

"She’s pretty self-cleaning. Plus she flips a bitch when I try and then I have to hold her..."

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:09:07 -0700

“She’s pretty self-cleaning. Plus she flips a bitch when I try and then I have to hold her down, and she just looks up at me with those big kitty eyes and meows and I end up feeling like a horrible person.”

- J., trying to give her cat a bath

Rules of Social Interaction

Fri, 18 May 2012 18:39:00 -0700

Guys, conversations aren’t hard.

The girl at the party looking bored probably is, because some idiot keeps talking about his fancy job and his crazy weekend party plans. Whatever. Like last Friday night, he’s going to be alone in his nice apartment, with his big screen TV displaying his poor life choices. This is where you come in and swoop her away.

Be funny.

If you can’t be funny, be smart.

If you can’t be smart, be different.

If you can’t be different, be relevant.

If you can’t be relevant, do something crazy.

If all else fails, then for the love of god why are you still talking? You are that guy.

"Seriously, Jeremy Lin has turned me, someone who has no interest in basketball whatsoever, into a..."

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 17:00:00 -0800

“Seriously, Jeremy Lin has turned me, someone who has no interest in basketball whatsoever, into a believer. He’s as culturally powerful as that one jew that lived a couple thousand years ago”

- J

K: I was talking with the other analysts in my group today (23-25 years old). They were all taking about getting engaged. The 25 year old (girl) is close, and the 23 year old (guy) is apparently going to propose sometime this year. MAKE IT STOP

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:06:00 -0800

K: I was talking with the other analysts in my group today (23-25 years old). They were all taking about getting engaged. The 25 year old (girl) is close, and the 23 year old (guy) is apparently going to propose sometime this year. MAKE IT STOP

J: Dang. That is really freaky. I can't make it stop, but I'll try to get us courtside seats to all the divorces five years from now ;). Lols not to be a negative nancy, but if you're planning on living to say 90, or god forbid, 100, chances are low you've met the love of your life in your early 20s. Denial ain't just a river in egypt. Just sayin'.

K: just found out that ex-boyfriend is probably in a relationship. friend and i just had a really depressing videochat

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:58:00 -0800

K: just found out that ex-boyfriend is probably in a relationship. friend and i just had a really depressing videochat

aplace4negativity: Well he is probably a lot of things. Like probably going to hell. Probably won't be able to have kids bc of low sperm count from too much pot. So don't worry about it.

J: So i was on this cute guy's facebook and i looked at his fave music and it listed chris brown....well, there goes my lady boner.

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:00:00 -0700

J: So i was on this cute guy's facebook and i looked at his fave music and it listed chris brown....well, there goes my lady boner.

K: I totally judge guys based on their music / fashion / political preferences. BF is a republican. And he hates Obama. I'm going to forget that little tidbit

J: lolol! really? ooo sexy.you guys will have heated debates and then hot hate sex with one another. i like.

Whenever I hear Adele sing “She gave you things I didn’t give to you,” my response...

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 12:05:00 -0700

Whenever I hear Adele sing “She gave you things I didn’t give to you,”

my response is always ‘I hope it’s herpes.’

The Crazy Girl Chronicles: Early Years

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 10:00:00 -0700

Once upon a time, I used to be a Crazy Girl.

Not in the cute Zooey Deschanel way, because she could get away with murder by batting those big blue beautiful eyes. Not in the Britney Spears way, with smashing car windows and going to rehab then coming back with a hit CD, because I’ve yet to acquire enough money to waive off potential lawsuits. It’s somewhere in between. But probably a bit closer to Britney.

My craziness didn’t manifest itself overnight. Oh no, it took years of crazy happenings that people have tolerated and come to expect, because “she’s just being K.” Yom Kippur has inspired me to write about this and ask for forgiveness of the things I put my poor friends through.

As this article explains, what crazy girls do is test your devotion to them with completely inappropriate things that should never be attempted. They set you up to fail so that they’ll be right that you don’t love them as much as you think (or should).

In 5th grade, Danny and I liked each other. Brian, Danny’s best friend, was a jerk who stole some neato toy of mine. Even though Danny wanted to play ball with the boys, I made him spend recess looking for where Brian hid it. We didn’t find it because little boys can be very sneaky.

So I did the next logical thing a 5th grader would do. I got pissed at Danny. I cornered him. I punched him. I kicked him. I cried because whatever toy I lost was a Christmas present from my mama and I loved it and it’s my favoritest thing ever and I brought it to show and tell cause I thought he would like it and… and… and… he just couldn’t understand! The tantrum started drawing attention from the other playground kids who looked to see what the hell was going on. It ended with “if you were REALLY my *friend* Danny, you would get it back for me!”

Oh yeah, I got it back, and Danny will probably never have daughters.

Things You Could Never Have Too Much of

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:02:00 -0700

Moderation is ideal blah blah blah but these are things that I want to have all the time, every day, for the rest of my life.

Christmas: When you’re young, it’s a reason to get presents. When you’re older, it’s a reason to get drunk. Win-win situation! You may have to put up with inane relatives, but that’s why you make their eggnog extra festive.

Toilet Paper. I have an awful habit of waiting until the last roll before I refill. It just doesn’t end well.

Pens. HOW DO I LOSE SO MANY PENS ALL THE TIME? College has taught me to accept free pens whenever and wherever.

James McAvoy movies. Preferably shirtless.

Water. With massive consumption of caffeine and alcohol, replenishing those bodily fluids is a must.

White T-shirts. It’s Murphy’s law that when I wear one, I will get food, pen marks, dirt, or some other stain on it, such that, even if removable, will leave a slightly discolored patch of cloth. These shirts should come with accident-prone warning labels.

Contacts. Sometimes I just want to toss my contacts out and not have to worry about finding solution, making sure my hands are clean, and placing them in the right case. Life’s too short!

Late night coffee shops. I need to get shit done at 2am okay?! Yes, caffeine and late nights are oxymorons, but the college student part of me will never die.

Gum. Because have you ever turned down gum?