I was just on my ex’s facebook for maybe the 2nd time since we broke up a year and a half ago. He’s doing really well. He has great friends, a great job, and a beautiful apartment in his favorite city. I’ve no doubt there’s probably a girl in the picture too, but he’s not the type to publicize a relationship (something I’m grateful for). He taught me a lot, even...
Lies I Tell Myself (and/or My Friends)
I’m going to go to the gym every day this week. It totally doesn’t matter if he didn’t call. I was too busy not checking my phone obsessively every 5 minutes and not test texting myself to make sure I still had signal. If I buy this overpriced, ill-fitting dress, I’ll be more motivated to work out. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up early. Tomorrow, I’ll be at work on...
Consequences of Lacking a Mental Filter
On the aforementioned project, I missed a chance to meet a hot client and later saw him at happy hour. Now, I can’t talk to ridiculously good looking people, especially when they look like a cross between Hugh Jackman and Daniel Henney. They make me forget what words are. With my impulsive and chatty nature, conversations tend to turn out like this: Me: Hi I’m K. Don’t you work...
Another Successful Work Week
For the past few weeks, I’ve been on this awesome new project. Some of my accomplishments so far: Delayed a client meeting because a coworker and I were buying coachella tickets. But who the fuck cares cause we have Coachella tickets! Copied a personal email, containing terms like “sexual revolution” into a deck I was working on. Saved the deck into the shared drive for my...
Details of My Incompetence
It’s about 4:45AM. I left the office a short while ago, where I’ve already spent 24 hours of Memorial Day “weekend.” With more to come. All I really wanted to do when I got home was have a nice glass of wine. Apparently this shit is childproof. HOW DO I OPEN IT?! If the second sleeping pill doesn’t kick in soon, I’m taking a Tylenol PM and calling it a...
Give me fire. Give me danger. Give me hope. Give me desire.
How to tell who your real friends are
K: Hey what's my middle name?
APlace4Negativity: Are you getting hacked?
K: LOL no pop quiz. you have 5 seconds. go!
APlace4Negativity: I don't know if someone is using your phone to figure out the security answer to your bank
APlace4Negativity: Are you comparing me to somebody else?
K: I was just thinking that people don't know my middle name
APlace4Negativity: Lol is this something you decided out of the blue and something you need to proclaim?
APlace4Negativity: PSA: [name] is my middle name guys
K: LMAO no someone just contacted me out of the blue knowing what it was
K: so I texted you and all our closest friends to see if you guys knew
The cleaning lady and I are both still at work right now. She’s playing music on her iphone 4S. I’m using my two year old blackberry. They are not paying me enough for this.
She’s pretty self-cleaning. Plus she flips a bitch when I try and then I...– J., trying to give her cat a bath
Rules of Social Interaction
Guys, conversations aren’t hard. The girl at the party looking bored probably is, because some idiot keeps talking about his fancy job and his crazy weekend party plans. Whatever. Like last Friday night, he’s going to be alone in his nice apartment, with his big screen TV displaying his poor life choices. This is where you come in and swoop her away. Be funny. If you can’t be funny, be...
Seriously, Jeremy Lin has turned me, someone who has no interest in basketball...– J
K: I was talking with the other analysts in my group today (23-25 years old). They were all taking about getting engaged. The 25 year old (girl) is close, and the 23 year old (guy) is apparently going to propose sometime this year. MAKE IT STOP
J: Dang. That is really freaky. I can't make it stop, but I'll try to get us courtside seats to all the divorces five years from now ;). Lols not to be a negative nancy, but if you're planning on living to say 90, or god forbid, 100, chances are low you've met the love of your life in your early 20s. Denial ain't just a river in egypt. Just sayin'.
K: just found out that ex-boyfriend is probably in a relationship. friend and i just had a really depressing videochat
aplace4negativity: Well he is probably a lot of things. Like probably going to hell. Probably won't be able to have kids bc of low sperm count from too much pot. So don't worry about it.
J: So i was on this cute guy's facebook and i looked at his fave music and it listed chris brown....well, there goes my lady boner.
K: I totally judge guys based on their music / fashion / political preferences. BF is a republican. And he hates Obama. I'm going to forget that little tidbit
J: lolol! really? ooo sexy.you guys will have heated debates and then hot hate sex with one another. i like.
Whenever I hear Adele sing “She gave you things I didn’t give to you,” my response is always ‘I hope it’s herpes.’ K
The Crazy Girl Chronicles: Early Years
Once upon a time, I used to be a Crazy Girl. Not in the cute Zooey Deschanel way, because she could get away with murder by batting those big blue beautiful eyes. Not in the Britney Spears way, with smashing car windows and going to rehab then coming back with a hit CD, because I’ve yet to acquire enough money to waive off potential lawsuits. It’s somewhere in between. But probably a...
Things You Could Never Have Too Much of
Moderation is ideal blah blah blah but these are things that I want to have all the time, every day, for the rest of my life. Christmas: When you’re young, it’s a reason to get presents. When you’re older, it’s a reason to get drunk. Win-win situation! You may have to put up with inane relatives, but that’s why you make their eggnog extra festive. Toilet Paper. I...
How Dating is Like Job Searching
-The first thing people do is judge you on your appearance. For all that bullshit that “it’s what inside that counts,” it really doesn’t. Light travels faster than sound, people! -Okay, actually that’s not the first thing. The first thing they do is tell you not to be nervous, relax and be yourself. Then they judge you. -Everything looks pretty from the outside....
To the flamboyant Bostonian, I guess we bonded over that one time you invited yourself to my party and helped yourself to my alcohol, but I’m not your talk buddy. By talk buddy, I don’t mean you coming over to rant about missing a Hollywood Hills party. I mean all those other times when I hear your phone calls through our thin walls, giving me every inane detail of the time that boy...
AM vs. PM
AM: omg there’s so much to do, I don’t want to get up PM: omg there’s so much to do, I don’t want to go to sleep AM: Alcohol will never touch these lips again. PM: Another vodka on the rocks! AM: Today I’m going to run some errands, get some work done, go to the gym, solve global poverty. PM: Slept in til 2, woke up for some food, took a nap, watched some tv. ...
How to be a hipster
A Place for Negativity: who says swimmingly?
K : My old TA in college used to say it all the time and I thought it rad. he was kind of a hipster. really hot. liberals arts kid, went into physics
A: i'm a liberal arts kid. does that make me a hot hipster?
K: an actual liberal arts college
A: dude i'm more liberal arts than most liberal art majors combined because my major AND two minors were interdisciplinary!
K: yes yes dear
A: so i just need to do more instagramming to all my reg photos?
K: do you want to be a hipster?
A: i want to be cooler than hipsters. like i want hipsters to call me a goddess/queen and look up to me.
Why the 90s is the Shit
Skip-Its! It was then that I realized how utterly uncoordinated I was, but man it looked cool. 1 Saturday Morning. The ONLY worthwhile thing about waking up early on Saturday was to see if Swinger Girl made it to the other side. Did you notice the major religious undertones to that episode? #deep Are You Afraid of the Dark? I TOTALLY WAS. This tv show was not for the faint of heart. Moving...
Terrifying Email Subjects
Reminder of your upcoming test Oh great, it’s not like I have spent every waking second cramming for it or trying to bribe a nerdy boy to take it for me or exchanging special favors to the TA to pass me. I totally forgot about it in a moment of stress-induced amnesia. Haha check this out If you send me another cat video, I’m marking your email as spam and reporting it to Google. Your Bill is now...
sothenshe: I want you to run and jump in my arms when you see me. I want to give you my jacket when you’re shivering. I want to snuggle with you. I want you to fit perfectly when cuddling with me, right in my nook. I want you to hold me when I’ve had a bad day. I want to kiss you in the rain. I want you to lay with your head in my lap while we watch bad TV and eat horrible diner food. I want you...
Sorry for all my skinned knees and bruises, because I thought I was an elementary school badass who could play with the boys. I could not, and they beat the shit out of me. Figuratively. Okay, sometimes literally. Sorry, I really liked talking smack. I think of this as practice for the days I would come home with a broken heart. Sorry for the days I came home with a broken heart. Jason was an...
The Thing about Charity
Yes, I know it will only cost me $1/day to feed a starving child in Sudan. At the same time, it only costs me $2/week to raise a goat in Kenya so that women can start their own business selling goat milk and cheese. But it’s $10 to provide one person with clean water so that person could go to work and/or school instead of walking 3 miles everyday to fetch it. If I send $15, I can...
Late Night Grocery Shopping Adventures
I buy shameless amounts of coffee ice cream and peanut butter oreos I stock up on a 4:1 ratio of unhealthy to healthy food I read tabloids about Angelina Jolie adopting African chimpanzees and Miley Cyrus becoming a stripper The guys behind me in line buy five handles of hard liquor to celebrate their friend’s release from jail that night Said friend was incarcerated for stabbing...
Things That Blow About LA
Traffic. Okay everyone hates traffic. LA is synonymous with congestion, road rage, and bleeding gas money. Might as well get this out of the way. Every other guy is hot. Most are gay. Every girl is hot and most are straight. Aggressive pedestrians. Even though drivers are bad, they at least have steel to protect them from harm and you from selling your firstborn to pay for damages. Pedestrians...
So here’s the thing. When I see: a) a short guy with glasses at the gym with bulging muscles and veins popping out of his neck b) a guy on a motorcycle c) a middle aged man with a really nice sports car d) a guy driving an abnormally large truck with 6 wheels, I’m inclined to think that the guy has 1) a really small penis and/or 2) issues with self esteem and/or 3) a hard...
When We Break Up
I’m not one of those girls who can say we loved, we laughed, let’s part ways and be merry. Like Miranda, I’m a “We didn’t work out so you need to not exist” person. But the 20something social crowd in LA is surprisingly small. Or, you know, god hates me. Since that scenario doesn’t work out, you know what I’d like? I’d like for your...
People to Avoid at All Costs
Salespeople I once went into a Verizon store intent on freeing myself of their death-do-us-part contract. I walked out with a new blackberry, an extended contract, unlimited data and text, upgraded minutes, and five bajillion accessories. Lesson: THEY FEED ON WEAKNESS. SHOW NO EMOTION. Charity Donation Collectors Okay, I get that you’re trying to do a good thing for the world, but I...
Dear Random Guys at the clubs and bars,
There is no need whatsoever for you to touch me, ever. Just because you are in my personal bubble at a crowded place and need to walk past me does NOT give you permission to cop a feel and/or put your hand on the small of my back and/or my ass. Here are the few and limited circumstances where you are allowed to tap me on the shoulder: 1. You want to ask if I would like to dance. (I will...
Lies My Mother Told Me, Pt. 2
It’s okay to drink milk if it’s only a few days after the expiration date. That cute boy is gay. Boys don’t really like girls who look like Britney Spears (circa 2000). Alcohol doesn’t taste good. I just don’t want to be rude to the hostess. No, I don’t think that makes you look dorky. One day you’ll thank me for this. Your school is just as good as...
When I Want to Talk to You
Let’s Chat When I need validation for a potentially bad decision Red or black shoes? I’m walking in a shady area by myself and want someone to know where I was last seen and what I was wearing for the 11pm news I’m drunk and remember that we’re friends and I miss you sooooooooooooo much and you’re soooo AWESOME I sincerely, soberly miss you Some new technology comes out that you need...
Angelenos, Calm That Shit Down
Until there’s a Jerry Bruckheimer blockbuster about it, Carmageddon is not the end of the world. Unless you absolutely have to be in that area to work, well you’re fucked then. At least the weather’s nice.
Lies My Mother Told Me, Pt. 1
I’ll stop nagging when you finish these chores. Jack and Rose are just talking in the car. No one called for you. That was a wrong number. Our dishwasher is broken. Inexplicably and coincidentally at every single house we’ve ever lived in. You’ll grow out of your awkwardness. I’m not going to do anything; I just want to see which tooth is loose. Kissing will get you...
When You're Twentysomething
You become cognizant of where money comes from. You start referring to it as Blood Money or as I like to call it, Shattered Dreams Money. Organic, gluten-free, and fat-free consume your shopping list. You’re all about the respect-your-body-as-a-temple thing until it’s 2am, you’re drunk and hungry and ohmygod is that a McDonald’s?! HELLO SUPERSIZED FRENCH FRIES AND SWEET ICED TEA! You buy gas...
If Drinks Were People
Appletini/Mojito - The Charlotte of the group. She’s so naive and perky and pink and Bambi-like that it makes you want to vomit rainbows. Cosmopolitan - The chick you love to hate, if only because she defies the law of human anatomy. Despite the steam room club, she just has glistening skin instead of looking like a sweaty pig like the rest of us. Her makeup doesn’t run, and her...
What My Texts Really Mean
How have you been? Haven’t heard from you lately: I need you to do me a favor, so I’m going to make conversation until the appropriate moment to ask. I’m bored: We need to drink right now. What are you doing this weekend?: Let’s bone. On my way: I’m still getting ready. Be there in 5: I just left my apartment because I grossly mismanaged my time, and it’s...